The Poetry Question

Discovering the Relevance of Words

QOTD- If Your Life Were a Terrible Movie, Who Would Play You?


Ben Affleck will be a terrible Batman.

I’ve been hearing that a lot lately. That, and fans of awful Twilight fan-fiction* becoming enraged (in their own adorable way) at the casting of Sons of Anarchy as the object of their confused affection. So much impotent anger.

I think I’m learning some things from all this casting talk lately. One of those things is that obsessive people with access to free wifi sure seem to know a lot about the movie making process. Never mind that these are the same people who claimed that Heath Ledger will be a terrible Joker, and that he ended up turning in a performance so good it literally killed him. We should listen to these nasally opinions and give their choices consideration.

Here’s the thing. People act as if the film industry owes them a good movie. They don’t. They simply make a product. And to involve outside parties with little to no knowledge on how that product is made in the manufacturing process would be insane. Imagine sitting at your desk and typing away at a first draft. Would you find it helpful to have your kid’s Little League coach standing over your shoulder and criticizing every choice you make? To answer my own question no you would not. Let the thing take shape and judge it on its merit. And stop asking me to sign a petition about something so stupid.

I understand that you love Batman. So do I. But even if Affleck’s presence ruins the upcoming Superman/Batman movie it can never destroy the character. Just ask George Clooney.

There is no worse way to create art than by committee. Audiences are supposed to watch the movie, not help make it.

That being said, who should play you in the story of your life? Would the internet approve?


*You know that 50 Shades of Grey started as a piece of Twilight fan-fiction, right? Yeah. The fact that it ever got published at all should give misguided hope to 12-year-old diary keepers everywhere. The fact that it is about to be made into a movie should make the rest of us very, very sad.

About Doran Simmons

I'm a writer and a camper and a keeper of fish. I was trained as a flight instructor and work day jobs and write nonsense for public consumption (hopefully).

5 comments on “QOTD- If Your Life Were a Terrible Movie, Who Would Play You?

  1. J. Gabriel Allan
    September 13, 2013

    Channeling my inner Joker, I hiss, “Say that Ben Affleck should have been nominated for an acting Oscar and no one bats an eye; Say he should play Batman and everyone loses their minds.”

    Sure, Ben is Chucky, not Will, but for every Gigli he has a Chasing Amy. I heard over and over how terrible Anne Hathaway would be as Fantine… anyone who actually saw Les Mis can attend differently.

    I’m surprised it’s even a question – Leonardo DiCaprio.

  2. The Running Son
    September 13, 2013

    Eminem could play my life but he aint Jew enuf.

    I’d say St Ignatius of Loyola, but the centuries old mummified skin around his mouth muscles may not connect with this metro-sexual baby-skin fickle and obsessed modern day audience. I mean Jesus.. have some goddamn respect for the weathered look.

    Lou Ferrigno could play me. He’s was the hulk on TV and I’m Bi-polar. But I aint

  3. Doran Simmons
    September 14, 2013

    I wish I could say it would be somebody other than James Gandolfini, but who am I kidding? Its gotta be Tony Soprano, and I need to work out more.

    • Doran Simmons
      September 14, 2013

      RIP James Gandolfini.

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