The following is a dramatized example of the author attempting to come up with a name for his twice weekly column on this site. It is published here for any limited educational or comedic value that might be found herein.
Autocorrect tried to change that last word from ‘herein’ to ‘heroin’. I assume this means that my computer thinks I’m not only too dumb to use the ‘herein’ in a sentence but also the kind of person who might need to type the word ‘heroin’ in a hurry. Not a great start. Are we starting?
I guess we’re starting. In the interest of being totally honest with the reading public, I’ll confess I didn’t mean to type that bit before. I was just thinking out loud. Except that doesn’t make any sense, does it? How can you type something accidentally? And my computer doesn’t have an autocorrect feature. My phone doesn’t even have autocorrect. I have one of those flip phones with the big buttons made for old people that they advertise during reruns of Monk on TVLand. It’s easy to use, and I only call, like, two numbers anyway. So yes, the whole herein/heroin thing was a joke that I made up on the spot. This is a brainstorm, mofo. I hope you brought your umbrella.
Ugh. I already regret that umbrella line. But I’ll leave it, in the interest of total transparency. That’s what I want to bring to this project. Honesty. And also some jokes. Okay mostly jokes, probably. I’d like to write about things I find interesting in a not very serious way and allow the fact that I am engaged in the act of writing tie my musings into the larger literary world. Or, more likely, for those musings to find their way into the hands of similarly disturbed individuals and be read by characters in my own fictional worlds. I bet my characters would hate my writing. But that’s another story.
All right, time to focus.
Titles are tricky little bastards. Few things illustrate frustration more than the image of the sleep-deprived writer struggling valiantly to come up with the perfect handful of words to describe the piece they have spent so long to bring into the world. It would be sad if it weren’t so easy for me to relate to. That makes it kind of funny. I remember my creative writing classes in college, watching one author after another turn in untitled poems and shorts. Or, worse, poems with numbers for titles. C’mon man. But, I suppose it is the curse of those who spend their time thinking to over think everything, and nothing is so easy to over think as a title.
So, perhaps, the solution to coming up with a good title is brainstorming. Just shut down the logical parts of your mind and let the subconscious step in and take over. Think, Simmons. Think.
But don’t think. You know what I mean.
What would be a good title for this twice-weekly column that could conceivably one day be used by those closest to me in some sort of televised intervention scenario?
I know! “Jokes: Because Sincerity Makes My Stomach Hurt”
No? No. Too jokey. Okay. . .
How about “The Further Adventures of Disco Lemonade and the County Line”
No. You’re right. Too awesome.
Maybe this one? “Musings and Bruisings, Thoughts and Opinions and Tasteless Jokes That Might Get You Beaten Up.”
Naw. That one is too on the nose.
I’ll just go with the first title I thought up and give you the promo. Tune in twice a week right here on The Poetry Question for. . .
The Untitled Doran Simmons Project. Addressing no issues and educating no one, all for the entertainment of myself.
That’s a pretty good tag line. I think I’ll use that.