In the spirit of experiencing life as poetry, I have decided to dedicate some column space every once in a while to reviewing things that have nothing to do with literature or music. Popular culture, the service industry, even individual life experience could come under my scrutiny. “I consider myself a critic of life,” said some asshole, probably. I won’t say that, but I could.
Today the author will be reviewing his midday meal of a bagel with cream cheese and the episode of Wicked Tuna on NatGeo which comprised the lunchtime entertainment.
There’s something wrong with the TV. Whenever I watch this particular channel, the audio is unreliable at best. I know that commercials are always a little louder than the program, but the difference lately has been remarkable to say the least. Ear-splitting, would be a nice cliched way to put it. Deafening would be an exaggeration, but I sometimes do suspect that I have sustained minor inner-ear damage as a side-effect to hearing about the superior suction power of a Dyson upright. But I won’t let it ruin my lunch.
The toaster, however, may end up succeeding where my cable provider has failed. My toaster has a problem, you see. It burns bagels. It doesn’t burn English muffins, interestingly, which at some level makes me suspect antisemitism may be involved. I don’t like having such thoughts about my kitchen appliances, but I wouldn’t put it past them. That is an old toaster. Anyway, it will have an effect on my review, burned bagels or no. I have to take past experience into account.
I don’t like to fish, but I like to watch fishing shows. It’s kind of like how I don’t like onions, but I love Funyuns. I know. I’m a very interesting person. This bagel is good, but it needs something else. An apple or something. Wait, I’ve got it. This bagel needs some Funyuns. Not on the bagel, but on the side. Wait, I hear New England accents shouting on the TV. Somebody has a fish on. Or they don’t. Those guys always sound excited and angry and either about to laugh or punch something or both. It’s pretty good television.
It’s almost time to get back to work, but I’m not full yet. A bagel doesn’t cut it for lunch. I’m gonna go get a meatball sub. Decisiveness.
All together, the food was passable, the entertainment was engaging and the atmosphere barely stunk. I’m giving this lunch a 7.*
*Note: The author never specified the scale of these ratings, making their meaning speculative at best, meaningless at worst. Just like life.