The Poetry Question

Discovering the Relevance of Words

Irrelevant Review: Watering Cans and Animal Friends and a Million Uses For Salsa

This week the author has decided to review the watering can he got at the Home Depot for the purpose of watering his garden with water from the river which he believes will enhance the growth of his assorted peppers and herbs due to the presence of fish and their associated waste products. We can only pray he always uses his genius for good and not evil.

 

lionscubswithpup

 

I just saw a video on the internet of a dog and a cheetah, and they’re friends. Now I’ve seen everything.

Can we all agree to stop making childish comments on such videos about what a wonderful world it would be if people behaved a little more like those animals? From what I have seen of such “animal friendships” they are often composed of wild animals confined to zoos, so there is a significant portion of the population that would relate directly to such an existence. They’re called prisoners, and if the HBO show ‘Oz’ is to be believed they sometimes also look for comfort in places considered by some to be outside the norm.

Hmmm. This took a dark and possibly offensive turn. I need a palate cleanser. Wait a minute, is that a video of a lion and a bear playing with a ball? Ahhh. That’s better. Why can’t we all get along like this? Baby animals have a little something to teach us all, I think.

 

cover-gardening

 

 

Gardening. Not only is it relaxing, it is delicious. The end product is delicious, I mean. Don’t try to eat that tomato plant. Trust me, it won’t be a pleasant experience on either end. I mean that the tough plant matter is hard to digest and might demolish your delicate butthole like a neutron bomb that keeps you on the toilet for the better part of a day and makes me miss that show I wanted to watch.

No, I’m not talking about me. No matter what you might be thinking, I didn’t eat a tomato plant. It was a tomatillo and I was confused.

Anyway, I’m gonna have so much salsa this summer, it’ll be crazy. I’m gonna put it on everything, from my cereal in the morning to my ice cream for dessert. I know it sounds weird, but sometimes those combinations work. Who knew how good chocolate and peanut butter or tomato and basil or dogs and cheetahs would be together until some pioneering spirit gave it a shot?

Hero? Me? No. I wouldn’t call myself a hero. Trailblazer maybe. Or handsome gardener. Really, I’m just a guy. A guy with a watering can that I purchased for a reasonable price from one of those big box stores that’s killing America. Don’t worry, I did it ironically so its cool.

 

I started this review so optimistically. I was happy for the sunshine and the wet earth and the feeling of my hands tending to green things that grow. Then I sat down to write and it was all poop jokes and references to prison shows. Should I be concerned? I choose not to dwell on it. Right now I’m more worried about the neighborhood deer making a late breakfast out of my just-planted cilantro. But don’t worry, I’ll be ready for them. There’s no such thing as free cilantro, my ungulate friends.

In conclusion, the black plastic watering can I purchased the other day is a solid buy that can reliably deliver water from one place to another and sprinkle said water from its spout in a way that is meant to simulate rain. I give it 4 tomatillos.

 

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About Doran Simmons

I'm a writer and a camper and a keeper of fish. I was trained as a flight instructor and work day jobs and write nonsense for public consumption (hopefully).

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This entry was posted on June 11, 2014 by in COMMENTARY and tagged , , , , , , , , .

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